shamelesshookery | (no subject)

[well okay. pettin as he talks]

Um... even though I wasn't in the mood for it today, I'd like to play more with bondage stuff. Like that stuff Miku got. Like the candles, a-and the crop... I'd like it if you spanked me more, too. It was really fun after the concert...

And, ah...

There's this... fantasy I've-- I-I think it'd be really hot if you, um. If you restrained me, and I tried to get away, and you didn't let me.

[shutting his eyes and trying to hold off the sudden feeling of self-loathing— he can indulge in that later, when Kaito isn't trying to share with him.

he makes a soft, noncommittal noise at the mentioning of spanking. it had been all right, he'd enjoyed Kaito enjoying it, but...

but.

that thought slips away as Kaito continues, though, and he jerks his head back up to look at him with sudden, predatory alertness]

You would try to fight me?

[blushing]

M-mmm. I know I usually like to just submit, but... it'd be kind of sexy, I think, having you make me submit.

I don't think I'd want to do it all the time, it'd be hard work struggling the whole time, but...

[the sudden rush of want (not all of it sexual— more of it is like the feeling he'd get before a good fight than he's quite comfortable with) at that is almost too much, considering how recently he'd come; he exhales slowly through his teeth, his hands clenching

strained] I— yes. Please.

[lighting up. he snuggles close to Kaito, beaming]

Aah, let's definitely do that then! Be really rough with me, okay? Don't let me go, no matter what!

... Unless I say the safeword, but, y'know.

[s-snorting; are you trying to get me all hot and bothered. reaching up to run his fingers absentmindedly through Kaito's hair, eyes wide and not particularly focused]

I was... that was actually what I was thinking about. A-asking you— asking you if you'd struggle, I mean.

[...shutting his eyes and ducking his head] ...When I want to hurt you— not just for you, but for myself—it isn't- it isn't satisfying if you just... accept it.

[he nods, kissing Kaito's forehead]

That makes sense.

... One thing, though. I don't... think we should do it when you're upset, like you were that one time. Even if you're beating me up, it's... it should be because we like each other, and we want to share something that feels good.

[slumping into him. ...and then MAKING SUCH A FACE]

Mmm, no. That was quite possibly one of the worst ideas I've ever had, and I've had quite a few of those. ...You deserve more respect than that.

At least we both learned better from it! And it'll be really hot when we do it for real.

[snugglinnnnng.... pause]

Hey, while we're on the subject... can I ask why you don't like me calling you Master?

...Aah. It's... somewhat complicated, though... [trailing off, chewing on his lower lip]

...When I was younger, I spent a long time thinking that because I was what I was, I was... less, somehow. That I was unhappy because something like me didn't deserve happiness. ...Even though I've been told that was wrong, repeatedly, it's still difficult for me to accept. I don't— I don't do well with being given things, whether they be compliments, or gifts, or— or trust.

Beyond that, though... I also thought that because I had been made, I didn't count as a person, and that as a result I might be no more than my maker's possession. ...I've met several people who were treated as if they were no more more than possessions, as well, and... [sighing] Even if I'm not the one being owned, the idea of anyone else being in that position—even willingly—is just... I'm not comfortable with it, and especially not with being the one given that sort of power.

[listening. chews a little at his lip, thoughtfully]

No wonder...

...If... I don't know if it helps at all, but when I call Miku 'Mistress', or want to call you 'Master', it's not - it's not that I'm actually owned, or even want to be. I really... I like being pushed around in bed, it's exciting, but I'd never want you or Miku to control my actual life. ... And that's part of why I trust you two so much to dominate me, because I know you wouldn't.

It's... kind of more like a game than anything else, I guess? Like - like a rollercoaster. It's a way of experiencing something dangerous in a safe way.

[he kisses Kaito again]

I don't even know if I'm making sense... Anyway, thanks for telling me. It'll be easier for me not to slip, now that I know why...

[I do enjoy kisses |) biting gently at his lip himself before letting Kaito go]

Mmm. I know that, or at least now I do, but... hmmm.

... When we were connected, how much could you tell was there?

Hmm? What do you mean?

[nuzzling at his jaw, his eyes shut] You found the recorder, obviously, and whatever part had to do with, ah, that program, but there was more in there than that.

There's... something like a dictionary, too, presumably so that I could understand what was being said to me even when I was very young and hadn't learned language yet. I don't need it very often anymore; but it's still there, and it still tries to give me the shapes of what words mean, whether I ask it to or not.

Aah... I didn't go far enough to find that. I was more interested in - in just sharing feelings...

[smiling slightly at that. derederedere ♥]

Ah. Well... suffice it to say that it doesn't care what it is you mean or don't mean; when you call me "Master," what it says that means is more than what you would want.

[frowns deeply]

That's not fair. There's gotta be - can we reconfigure it? Somehow?

...I don't know. I... I'm not entirely sure I would want any of it altered.

Well, not even necessarily changing the definitions - just maybe changing the threshold, or something, to give you more flexibility? I mean, does it do that all the time? With every word? That's not right, language should be able to evolve! The meanings of things can change, when you learn more...

[looking more than a little taken aback by the strength of Kaito's reaction]

It's— most of the time I don't even notice it, I'm used to it, and it does change, sometimes! There are things it "words" differently than it used to, because I understand them differently...

[and it was one thing, turning off a small piece of programming that he hadn't even been aware existed— but this is something that's been a part of his awareness since he'd first heard someone speak, something that's been a part of him, and the idea that he needs fixing or changing is terrifying]

[the look on Kaito's face is enough to rein him in. he sighs and flops on Kaito, a little sulky]

Mmhh...

I'm sorry, I guess it's selfish of me. I just don't like that there's something nice I can't share with you, just because your system keeps telling you it's something bad.

[huffing a little, but starting to relax again]

Not so much bad as different— it just seems to think there should be more control involved on my part...

Could it "learn" differently?

...I don't know. [ruefully] I can't tell how much of what has changed is just my own perceptions shifting...

[sighing] Even if it were possible, I doubt it would change my own opinions much.

[sighs, nuzzles]

Oh well...